If you ask my Dad "How are you doing?" he will respond with "what, are you writing a book?". Often I get these blog posts running through my head and they never make it here....so I decided to take advantage of the quiet house and vomit all my thoughts into one big "book" of a post.
Chapter 1: Busy life
This time last year I was enjoying my preschool children. I LOVED watching them learn and exploring new concepts. I LOVED seeing them each day. I LOVED watching them interact with each other and develop those social skills that they carry with them throughout their life. I LOVED creating lesson plans and buying toys/games/furniture for my business. I LOVED my it. I also was teaching early morning Seminary and teaching one early morning class at the gym...2 things i also loved. So I would wake up at 4:30am, be at the gym by 5:05, teach from 5:15-6:10, shower and get to the Prestridge house(where we had Seminary) by 6:35. We would have our lesson from 6:35-7:20. Then I would go home to get the kids to school. Preschool would start at 9am with some children arriving at 8:30. Preschool was over at 1pm. Then I would mentally unwind for a few minutes before prepping for the next day...preparing lessons, packing my bags for the gym(if i wasn' t teaching i would go early to exercise)..and somewhere in there I cooked. cleaned, washed, etc. I also LOVED teaching at the gym and LOVED teaching seminary....it was just hard doing all 3 at the same time. I did this for 18 months and looking back I don't know how I did it. Last summer-after taking a long break where i thought about nothing....i started to prepare for Seminary. I knew I could not spend another year as busy as I was. It was just too hard. I couldn't start any earlier because of my gym job and i couldn't start any later or I wouldn't see the kids before they went to school. (I didn't realize how important it was to Nate for him to see me in the mornings until towards the end of the year.) I loved interacting with the 7 teenagers who would get up every morning to be there. Some mornings they listened other times they slept(or tried to). we joked about their cellphone fettishes and strengthened our testimonies about Jesus Christ while studying the New Testament. I learned a whole lot not only about that the Bible but about Grace and Mercy and what it truly means to rely on the Lord. Prayer was the only way I got through that insane schedule. BUT i loved everything i was doing. I was torn. I was too busy. It was hard to give up that calling but I knew it was right. Since it is a very time-consuming job(we aren't paid) parents with small children are not recommended to have it but it is always up to the person if they can handle it or not. I felt like i could....and I did....and then it was time to let someone else have the blessings that come from teaching the youth.
2. Change is hard
So life was about the be less stressful. Then preschool ended....this was very hard to take. I had an inkling that it might close in the Spring but I just kept that thought in the back of my mind. I always like to have a "Plan B" and prepare myself for change but CHANGE is never easy. It took me about 6 months to get over the fact that I wasn't going to be teaching those cute babies anymore in my home. That my Plan B-close for another year, advertise in the Spring and then reopen...The preschool that I lived, breathed, dreamed about for 3 years was taking a leave of absence. It was very hard to enter that room. I felt guilt. I fought the feelings of failure. I knew I didn't fail. I knew I did my best. I knew there were circumstances beyond my control that caused it to close but I still second guessed my decision. So if preschool closed I would have more time to focus on Seminary, right? but it was time for me to let that calling go too. I hated to not continue with those students who I had built a relationship with but it was the best thing for me to do. Change is just hard....not matter how you live it. It takes patience and lots of emotions which I don't like to feel sometimes. but I have learned if we don't acknowledge those emotions they get stuffed down deep and will come out eventually!
2. Change is good.
So lately I have seen the benefits of loosing preschool and seminary. I don't feel guilty anymore. ALl the preschool babies are in a preschool and I don't worry about them. I have more time to spend on my job at the gym(which i really enjoy) and the best part is I have more time for my family. I didn't realize how neglected some aspects of my homelife were getting but when your daughter says "I am glad you aren't doing preschool (or Seminary) anymore....now you have more time to spend with us" that should be a red flag. Even though I was home I wasn't there most of the time. I remember being agitated a lot and had to remind myself to give them of my time. I am not as tired ...no exhausted... as I was. And the best part I can enjoy cooking again and feel fulfilled in creating healthy meals for my family(not that i am making stuff from scratch....i am just making sure our meals are balanced). I want to read to my kids or play games with them....whereas before that was just something cutting into my time getting ready for other stuff(but it was OK since I was studying my lessons for Seminary, right?). Just tonight I noticed how watching SOphia twirl around in her SUnday dress brought me joy. Reminded me what a blessing it has been for this change. Nate's confidence in life has changed as well. He is such an quirky boy with some emotional baggage that is very tricky to maneuver sometimes. I believe when he didn't see me in the mornings it caused him anxiety. He never verbalized this....but now I can see that it was. And this anxiety builds and causes other problems....but he is getting so much better now.
4. What now?
So now life is a bit slower. I have a lot more time to spend on more important matters and can become a great wife and mother. I have patience to play games with the kids and grow my relationship with Richard. I have more time to help others(which I really enjoy doing) and would love to say I am cleaning my house more....but that would be stretching it.
Another blessing is the group of friends i have acquired through volunteering with the PTO. They are so fun to be around and we just laugh about everything. If i was still so busy I would not have met them.
So that is the post that has been mulling in my head for some time now. Change is a tricky thing especially if you are like me....i want to find a solution to problems STAT. I don't want to dwell on the negatives. I want to have a plan B in case A fails. I want to be dependable and do not like to fail. But these things sometimes need to happen. Life will be stinky but change can teach us so much if we let it.
There were so many blessings that came from those busy 18 months. One was a deep relationship I built with my Heavenly Father. I also developed a stronger testimony of the restoration of the gospel and the prophet Joseph Smith. I get it now. I knew it was true before but now I feel like I can testify of it with more conviction. I am still the same person....just a little different....and a little more....what is the word....not sure....but am just better.
the end:)
(thanks Mom for reading the whole post! you are the best listener. i hope I can be as good as you one day!)
